Galentine’s was yesterday, and I had been mentally preparing for it for over a month. It caused me a lot of anxiety, and there were moments when I wanted to cancel, but I followed through. I made sure to plan it out so that I would have the entire house to myself before and after. I wanted to clean up my space, enjoy the silence, and not have to worry about anything getting messy again. Waking up with no urgency, moving at my own pace, not having to be in go mode for my kids or work … it felt like something I truly needed.
I was looking forward to the night out, but I won’t lie, there was still some heaviness leading up to it. While I was at dinner, I was present, but at the same time, I wasn’t. My husband is always on my mind. Something always reminds me of him, even in moments of joy. I tried to stay engaged in conversation, but it will take time for me to fully adjust to being outside again.
Still, I am looking forward to more moments like this. I know that this is what Fuad would want for me. He lived his life fully, and I admired the way he lived. There were so many ways we saw this life the same way.
The best part of the night was the laughter with my friends. At one point, Kevelle looked at me and said, “I’m so happy you’re here.” I reached out and squeezed her hand, and I don’t even know if she realized how much that moment mean to me. It was such a small thing, but it stuck with me.
We started talking about vision boards, and I asked if anyone had made progress toward their goals. Kendra shared her updates, and then she asked about me. I told her I was making progress with eating better, and she mentioned my content creation. When I brushed it off and said “somewhat,” she reassured me that I was doing a good job. Those little moments of support and encouragement make a difference.
I miss being around my friends, and I look forward to making more space for these moments. I felt comfortable, even if I still had moments of feeling disconnected. It felt like a step forward.
Making space for myself looks like going to coffee shops or going to brunch, even if it is with my kids. I feel like I have kept them in the house so much, especially my baby girl. I want to do more than just stay in. That could be as simple as a walk to the park or going to an ice cream shop with the kids. I want to live.
And if I’m being honest, part of me feels guilt for that.
I feel guilty for living, for making plans with my friends, for wanting to enjoy things again. It is hard to explain, but it sits there, in the back of my mind.
I have spent so much time filling every moment with task; housework, groceries, cooking, making sure the kids have everything they need. I have bounced between keeping busy and allowing myself to rest. But the truth is, I don’t feel guilty for resting. I feel guilty for enjoying myself.
That is something I need to work through.
One thing I want to do moving forward is to find a dedicated block of time for myself, especially on the weekends. Whether that is going to a coffee shop alone, meeting up with a friend, or just going for a long walk in the morning, I want to carve out that space.
I want to put myself out there again.
I want to take real steps forward.
I am learning to let go, not of my husband (NEVER OF MY HUSBAND!!)… but of the fear of what it means to live without him.
I feel most at peace when the house is clean, when things are in order, when I don’t have a never ending to do list hanging over me. That does not happen often, but I am working on systems to see which one helps.
What keeps me grounded is knowing that I can always bring myself back. I take deep breaths. I remind myself that grief does not mean I cannot move forward. I remind myself that I deserve to take up space, that I deserve to enjoy things again.
I am learning to make space for myself, and for now, that’s all I got!
With love,
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