I Am Not Where I Want To Be
In my head, I should have already lost all the weight. It is frustrating that I am not where I want to be physically. I have been working out, and that is great, but if I am being honest, my nutrition needs work.
I have never been comfortable being overweight. For most of my life, I was active, always moving, always feeling strong in my body. But after having Asiyah, it has been harder than I ever imagined. The responsibilities are endless, and now, my kids only have one parent. I have to take care of myself because no one else can do it for me.
The Weight of It All
My husband was diagnosed with cancer just weeks before I was expected to deliver. Surgery. Treatment. Doctor appointments. Hospital stays.
Now, add in everything else. Work. The kids. The house. Trying to take in and enjoy every single moment because I learned that life is unpredictable.
Tuesday, February 4, will mark four months without my husband. Grief is hard and it is weird, but at the end of the day, every single thing falls on my shoulders. I have come to realize that I am always tired, and I do not want to be.
Why I am doing this
I want to feel full of life again. I want to run around with my kids, be present, and actually enjoy the moment instead of feeling like I am just pushing through. Mom guilt is real. I just want to lay around because I’m exhausted, but I know that’s not me. That is not what my husband would have wanted for me.
I know I keep mentioning my husband and my grief, but this is my reality. It is a part of me, and I will not shy away from it. Talking about it helps. Acknowledging where I am helps. Even though this morning I had three cups of goldfish and a pack of fruit snacks for breakfast (face freaking palm), I am still dedicated to showing up. Reaching the health goals I set for myself.
What I Am Doing to Show Up
I know changes don’t happen overnight, but I am making intentional steps to feel better. Here is what I am committing myself to for the next month.
- Moving my body daily – As much as I would love a two hour gym session, it just doesn’t fit my lifestyle anymore. That being said whether its a walk, a strength workout, yoga, or even stretching. Something is always better than nothing.
- Fueling my body with Purpose – I will not be perfect, but intentional. More meals that will nourish me, less mindless snacking. Inputting everything I eat on MyFitnessPal and on paper.
- Prioritize rest – Not just sleep, but real rest. Taking moments for myself without guilt, because running on fumes helps no one.
- Holding myself accountable – Sharing this journey with you, because consistency is easier when I am not doing it alone.
- Establish a Primary Care Physician – I have always kept up with my yearly physicals, but now I am looking for a doctor I can build a long-term relationship with. Someone who truly knows my medical history and can support me in this new season of life. My goal is to have a provider I trust, not just for checkups, but for ongoing care in the years to come.
Where I Am Starting
I will be doing my weekly weigh-ins on Wednesdays, so I will be sticking with that as I track my progress. As of today, my starting weight is 230.9 lbs.
To better track my progress beyond the scale, I am also taking my measurements:
- Waist – 40 inches
- Hips – 48 inches
- Chest – 37 inches
- Thighs – 31 inches
- Arms – 15 inches
- Neck – 14 inches
This is not just about losing weight. It’s about gaining strength, energy, and confidence.
So, Let’s Do This Again
I know this journey will not be perfect, but I am committing to it. Showing up for myself, for my kids, and for my future. If I do not take care of me, no one else will.
Have you ever restarted a health journey? What kept you motivated? Let’s talk in the comments.
With love,
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