Hello, hello. It’s been quite some time.
A short hiatus during Ramadan turned into a full-blown break. Life just happened. And time is moving fast.
What Life Has Looked Like for Me
I’ve been grieving. I’ve been healing. I’ve been working, mothering, resting, spiraling, laughing… and starting again, more than once. Some days feel dark and heavy. Others feel like a soft sunrise. Most feel like both. There’s always that sadness that lingers behind me, quietly reminding me that he’s gone.
But through it all, I’ve managed to show up. For my kids. For myself. For my faith. And now, finally, back here… to write again.
Life has felt heavy lately. I want to say I hate it here, but I’m also thankful to still be here. My kids need me.
Faith, Frustration, and Everything in Between
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t angry sometimes. But I’ve come to accept where I’m at in this life now. I remind myself, often, that God is the best of planners. After I pray, it’s sometimes hard to sit and talk to God. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t want to feel what’s underneath. That pain… it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
Keeping Busy to Avoid Feeling
Work has felt unbearable. I haven’t spent time with my kids the way I want to. I’m keeping busy just so I don’t have to sit with the feelings. I wish I could describe the ache inside me… but it’s the kind of pain words struggle to hold.
In my head, I keep asking… how do I get back to me? How do I feel that sense of “this is me” again?
Who I was before vs. Who Am I know
Lately, I’ve been chasing the old version of myself. And part of me wonders if I haven’t fully accepted that my life isn’t the same anymore. Maybe I’ve been unwilling to build a new connection with who I’m becoming. I don’t want to let go of who I was… the way life functioned when Mo was here, the way I felt, the rhythm of our days.
I know I’ll always be me, but I also know I have to get to know this version of me now. And that’s hard. Because I will never be the same. And neither will my life. That’s a truth I’ve had to sit with and slowly, I’m realizing that I have to move forward.
I’m at a point where keeping busy just isn’t going to cut it anymore. The anxiety is too loud. The late-night sweats. The panic attacks. The moments where I feel like my body is reacting to a grief I haven’t even fully named.
What Pouring into Myself May Look Like
I have to pour into myself, because I want to be here. I need to be here. For my kids. If I’m being honest, they’re my only why right now. Because what else matters? I have these littles looking up at me, watching how I move, how I grieve, how I survive… trying to figure out how to be a person in this world.
So here I am writing, trying to hold on to a piece of me. Doing the things I love. Learning the new me.
I hear people say, “give yourself grace.” I even tell others to make sure they’re giving themselves grace. But what does that actually look like? I don’t really know how to put it into action. Still, I know I want to be more intentional about my healing. I want to take steps that let me be vulnerable with myself.
What does that look like? No idea. But I have a few thoughts… slowing down. Finding a therapist. Knowing when it’s okay to rest, but not letting rest turn into avoidance. Spending time with my babies. Making new memories.
Am I becoming someone new? Maybe not. Maybe I’m just learning to move forward without letting my husband go. Because I’ll never let him go. How could I?
You’re Not Alone
I don’t know who this post will reach. But if you’re in a season of grieving, healing, or trying to find yourself again… I’d love to hear from you. What’s helping you right now? How do you give yourself grace?
Feel free to share in the comments or just let me know you’re here. It’s always nice to know people are reading and along for the journey.
Till next time, beautiful people.
Ciao,
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